Recently, I accomplished something quite amazing. Something that very few women have accomplished, despite courageous attempts and valiant efforts. It's not something you hear about very often, and in my strains to remain humble I have not broadcasted this achievement, but I am broadcasting it now, not to throw myself into the spotlight, but to give hope and encouragement to those who will pick up the noble cause of my quest.
Five years ago, I went to Bible college. And on my first day, as I went through the arduous registration process, figuring out my classes, finding my dorm room, getting over the shock of how small and shabby it was, fending off the badger that had taken up residence in my closet over the summer, meeting my room mate and introducing her to our new pet badger, and saying goodbye to my parents, this sentence was running through the back of my head: "You could meet your husband today.
Could I?
It was certainly a possibility.
In reality, if you've ever been to Bible college, you'll know that it was a probability. And let me tell you, I was prime Bible college wife material. Allow me to elaborate:
1) I was a pastor's daughter.
2) I sang on my youth group's worship team and led Bible studies.
3) My favorite band was Superchic[k] and I had seen Toby Mac in concert at least 5 times.
4) I wore a purity ring and had never had a boyfriend.
5) I had a plethora of gender neutral tee shirts with Scripture and/or Jesus' face on it.
The odds were stacked against me. Yet here I am, five years later and where's my ring by spring? I'm not sure, but they definitely didn't give me my money back.
Here are my best tips for making it out of Bible college without being shackled to a man by the ring finger.
#1) Learn to recognize the "wife scope": The quickest way to tell if a guy is only interested in being your friend or if he's looking for someone to take home to his momma is the "wife scope". Inexperienced Bible college men will be super obvious about it. It comes in the form of a very specific question, posed casually, usually in the cafeteria or in one of the coed common areas: "So, do you think you could see yourself serving a children's ministry at a small church plant in the northern regions of Peru in the next 4 to 5 years?"
Pause and consider: "What's your major again?"
"Peruvian missions, with an emphasis in church plants with children's ministries"
#2) Master the "Don't talk to me" vibe: Once you realize that you're on a guy's wife scope, it's time to deflect his affections with what I like to call the "don't talk to me" vibe.
First, use closed body language and avoid eye contact. Even if he's sitting between you and the white board, and you desperately need to copy down the 5th petal of Calvin's TULIP, look resolutely in the opposite direction. You can get notes some other time. If you find yourself trapped in his gaze and he attempts conversation, resort to one word answers, half hearted smiles, and non-committal shrugs and grunts. Make sure you've alerted your roomie and hall mates to this development, so they can bail you out of a desperate situation. Most importantly, NEVER acknowledge his presence unless he speaks to you directly.
#3) Say crazy stuff: Develop the habit of talking about your "potpourri" of theology as frequently as possible, particularly in class. Say stuff like, "Maybe God is a woman," or "Is it really necessary to submit?" Granted, you might get your rear handed to you by your professor, but they're used to hearing crazy stuff. It's best if you get a little emotional during times like this; it'll tell your unwanted suitor that you're a time bomb of insanity just waiting to go off.
#4) Never ever ever EVER bring your Bible to class. Don't even have one on your smartphone/ipod. Just memorize it (but don't tell anyone).
There are many other methods to avoiding the wife-seekers of your Bible college. These have worked for me. What has worked for you?
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
what your coffee says about you
There's a secret language that exists among everyone who consumes liquid beverages. It is spoken by many, but understood by few. Those who understand it are given the title of "barista". The most common understanding of the Italian word "barista" is "a person who makes and serves coffee in a coffee bar". Since my assimilation into the ranks of the baristas two months ago, I have learned the true meaning of the word. Barista: comedian, weather person, therapist, and drug dealer. A barista is more than just the person who pulls your espresso shots and steams your milk. We have also learned the art of discovering exactly who you are based on what you order. And it is here that I offer this handy guide as a way of looking into your inner self.
Decaf Sugar Free No Whip Soy Snickers Smoothie:
This is also known as the "Why Bother?" These people are the fun sponges of the world. They soak up all the fun for themselves but instead of enjoying it, they squirrel is away like some bizzare episode of "Hoarders: Burried Alive". You might fall into this category if you find yourself asking "Is this water sanitary?" at the public pool, insisting that everyone wait half an hour after eating before swimming, and only allowing one person on your trampoline at a time.
Americano with Heavy Whipping Cream/Caramel Breve
(For those who don't know, a breve (pronounce brevay, NOT brawvay) is essentially a latte with half and half instead of milk.) I like to call this the "Suicide Watch". Orderers of this drink are typically trying to kill themselves slowly and make it look like an accident. That, or they're tempting fate with the "die young and leave a pretty corpse" philosophy. This beverage is usually accompanied with a slice of marble bread, the pastry with the highest calorie count. You might be this person if you gravitate towards dark, musty basements, or you're saving money to go skydiving over a chain of active volcanoes.
The Incredibly Precise Cup of Coffee
This is affectionately called "The Control Freak". It sounds like this, "I'll have a large coffee, medium roast, half caf, exactly 137 degrees Fahrenheit, 4 miligrams of half and half, 73 granules of Splenda, and 3 U.S. currency nickle sized cubes of ice from the polar ice caps, Northern hemisphere, please." Even though a cup of coffee is the easiest thing to make, these customers are the most intimidating. You think they won't know if you only put 72 granules of Splenda in their coffee, but they know. And they will rage hard. Steaming hot coffee will come flying in your face (it won't burn you because of the 3 U.S. currency nickle sized ice cubes from the polar ice caps, but it will cause a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth.). These people are similar to fun sponges, but way more intense.
Extra shot, extra flavor, extra whip
We like to call this beverage "Luxuriating". These are the extravagant types, the kind of people who want more, more, more with all the toppings. They tend to get carried away with themselves. Typically, they order a simple drink: "Medium white mocha." Then they decide to get a little fancy, "Make it a large...." then it gets crazy. "Add an extra shot....and extra flavor....and extra whip....and sprinkles.....and soak a cookie in it......and toss in a puppy....no, FIVE puppies.....and some balloons.....and candy!!!" By the time they get to the drive thru window they are in such a frenzy that they start throwing wads of cash at you and practically climb into the window and get the drink themselves. These people get easily carried away with everything. Their cars have an excess of bumper stickers and things hanging from their rearview mirrors, and there are usually at least three very excited dogs in the backseat.
These are only the 4 most common types of people who come through our drive thru. You may be asking, "Don't normal people come to your store?" The answer: NO. Normal people don't drink coffee.
Decaf Sugar Free No Whip Soy Snickers Smoothie:
This is also known as the "Why Bother?" These people are the fun sponges of the world. They soak up all the fun for themselves but instead of enjoying it, they squirrel is away like some bizzare episode of "Hoarders: Burried Alive". You might fall into this category if you find yourself asking "Is this water sanitary?" at the public pool, insisting that everyone wait half an hour after eating before swimming, and only allowing one person on your trampoline at a time.
Americano with Heavy Whipping Cream/Caramel Breve
(For those who don't know, a breve (pronounce brevay, NOT brawvay) is essentially a latte with half and half instead of milk.) I like to call this the "Suicide Watch". Orderers of this drink are typically trying to kill themselves slowly and make it look like an accident. That, or they're tempting fate with the "die young and leave a pretty corpse" philosophy. This beverage is usually accompanied with a slice of marble bread, the pastry with the highest calorie count. You might be this person if you gravitate towards dark, musty basements, or you're saving money to go skydiving over a chain of active volcanoes.
The Incredibly Precise Cup of Coffee
This is affectionately called "The Control Freak". It sounds like this, "I'll have a large coffee, medium roast, half caf, exactly 137 degrees Fahrenheit, 4 miligrams of half and half, 73 granules of Splenda, and 3 U.S. currency nickle sized cubes of ice from the polar ice caps, Northern hemisphere, please." Even though a cup of coffee is the easiest thing to make, these customers are the most intimidating. You think they won't know if you only put 72 granules of Splenda in their coffee, but they know. And they will rage hard. Steaming hot coffee will come flying in your face (it won't burn you because of the 3 U.S. currency nickle sized ice cubes from the polar ice caps, but it will cause a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth.). These people are similar to fun sponges, but way more intense.
Extra shot, extra flavor, extra whip
We like to call this beverage "Luxuriating". These are the extravagant types, the kind of people who want more, more, more with all the toppings. They tend to get carried away with themselves. Typically, they order a simple drink: "Medium white mocha." Then they decide to get a little fancy, "Make it a large...." then it gets crazy. "Add an extra shot....and extra flavor....and extra whip....and sprinkles.....and soak a cookie in it......and toss in a puppy....no, FIVE puppies.....and some balloons.....and candy!!!" By the time they get to the drive thru window they are in such a frenzy that they start throwing wads of cash at you and practically climb into the window and get the drink themselves. These people get easily carried away with everything. Their cars have an excess of bumper stickers and things hanging from their rearview mirrors, and there are usually at least three very excited dogs in the backseat.
These are only the 4 most common types of people who come through our drive thru. You may be asking, "Don't normal people come to your store?" The answer: NO. Normal people don't drink coffee.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Dads and Victoria's Secret
"Where did that come from???"
The answer was pretty obvious. In fact, it was printed on the bag. But it appeared that my dad, as he gaped at the pink stripped shopping bag with pink ribbon handles and matching tissue paper playfully poking out of the top, had entered some kind of state of denial in which he was suddenly rendered illiterate. At first, I was slightly taken aback, because similar bags had been in the house in plain view before. It took me a moment to realize that my dad was joking (he does that sometimes). However, as my mom and I were laughing along with him, I realized that this situation has probably occured in many other households without as much laughter. In fact, it is probably accompanied with lots of yelling and door slamming and "You don't understand me"s and "All of my friends do it"s.
The origin of this little bag? Victoria's Secret.
Dads, let me clarify something for you: Victoria's Secret is not the red lamp and candlelit brothel it appears to be on television.
Do they sell underwear? Yes. However, Victoria's Secret does not just sell lacy and racy underthings that look like they will fall apart in the wash and are only made of Chinese silk and Italian lace. You can actually find granny panties and long sleeve pajamas there too. They also sell a wide range of beauty products and makeup, and even laundry detergent. Their entire PINK line is fairly tame and made of cotton, the most innocent of all fabrics.
Is the advertising provocative? You bet. Every picture in that store features a thin yet miraculously busty 20 something with sexy bedhead and the stereotypical half closed eyes and slightly suggestive half open mouth. It's not those girls' fault though. They just can't breathe through their noses.
And this is perhaps where the danger lies in allowing your daughter to shop there. Every girl needs underthings of good quality, and Victoria's Secret offers that. Unfortunately, if a young woman (or any woman for that matter) suffers from the insecurities that women often do, shopping there can be toxic.
On the recent day that I visited Victoria's Secret, the outside windows featured the phrase "I love (it was actually a heart) my body." The model in the backdrop was posing sideways in her undies to feature her tiny waist and hips and full bust. I found myself slightly offended. Now I know that it was designed to advertise for the "Body by Victoria" line but picture clearly gave the impression that there was only one type of body to love. I was saddened as I thought of the young women who would walk by the store that day and think, "If only I was as thin and pretty as her" and the older women who might think, "Maybe if I looked like that he wouldn't have left or I would find somebody."
This is just one of the many negative messages women receive every day that they are not good enough. And I realize that this topic has been discussed countless times. Today, I only offer a warning for fathers.
Dads: If you discover that pink bag in your house, it might be a good time to let your daughter know that what she wears on her body will never be as important as what she wears in her heart. This is a lesson that can never be repeated enough.
The answer was pretty obvious. In fact, it was printed on the bag. But it appeared that my dad, as he gaped at the pink stripped shopping bag with pink ribbon handles and matching tissue paper playfully poking out of the top, had entered some kind of state of denial in which he was suddenly rendered illiterate. At first, I was slightly taken aback, because similar bags had been in the house in plain view before. It took me a moment to realize that my dad was joking (he does that sometimes). However, as my mom and I were laughing along with him, I realized that this situation has probably occured in many other households without as much laughter. In fact, it is probably accompanied with lots of yelling and door slamming and "You don't understand me"s and "All of my friends do it"s.
The origin of this little bag? Victoria's Secret.
Dads, let me clarify something for you: Victoria's Secret is not the red lamp and candlelit brothel it appears to be on television.
Do they sell underwear? Yes. However, Victoria's Secret does not just sell lacy and racy underthings that look like they will fall apart in the wash and are only made of Chinese silk and Italian lace. You can actually find granny panties and long sleeve pajamas there too. They also sell a wide range of beauty products and makeup, and even laundry detergent. Their entire PINK line is fairly tame and made of cotton, the most innocent of all fabrics.
Is the advertising provocative? You bet. Every picture in that store features a thin yet miraculously busty 20 something with sexy bedhead and the stereotypical half closed eyes and slightly suggestive half open mouth. It's not those girls' fault though. They just can't breathe through their noses.
And this is perhaps where the danger lies in allowing your daughter to shop there. Every girl needs underthings of good quality, and Victoria's Secret offers that. Unfortunately, if a young woman (or any woman for that matter) suffers from the insecurities that women often do, shopping there can be toxic.
On the recent day that I visited Victoria's Secret, the outside windows featured the phrase "I love (it was actually a heart) my body." The model in the backdrop was posing sideways in her undies to feature her tiny waist and hips and full bust. I found myself slightly offended. Now I know that it was designed to advertise for the "Body by Victoria" line but picture clearly gave the impression that there was only one type of body to love. I was saddened as I thought of the young women who would walk by the store that day and think, "If only I was as thin and pretty as her" and the older women who might think, "Maybe if I looked like that he wouldn't have left or I would find somebody."
This is just one of the many negative messages women receive every day that they are not good enough. And I realize that this topic has been discussed countless times. Today, I only offer a warning for fathers.
Dads: If you discover that pink bag in your house, it might be a good time to let your daughter know that what she wears on her body will never be as important as what she wears in her heart. This is a lesson that can never be repeated enough.
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